I am going to cut straight to the chase. I read through some blogs that I posted (completely forgot about them since I haven't been active in blogging) and I feel like sometimes I'm full of it. Completely full of it. Oh yeah, I mea n what I say as Iwrite it but my style in writing has transformed from the over-the-top honesty of ALL my thoughts in my MySpace days to [dare I say???] sugar-coating my emotions now. Mannnn...enough of that. I have spent this past year feeling like the biggest hypocrite ever because I'm telling people to take care of themselves, get tested, blah blah blah...yet I have no insurance, haven't been to labs in a year and have been sick more than I care to admit. I don't know what point I'm trying to prove walking around in all this pain for no reason. Migraines, neck aches, muscle spasms, teeth aches...without one visit to a doctor. Who DOES that?
Ok, me...
Yes, I'm sabotaging myself.
No, I'm not proud of it.
Yes, I want to change. No, it's not going to be easy.
Yes, I'm aware as to WHY I do it. NO, I'm not ready to discuss it here...not yet.
The wounds have been re-opened and I can't put a band-aid on it but I sure as heck can't let anyone dump their own thoughts onto it. Oh, you can speculate and encourage if you'd like. I actually am open to it, perhaps there is something others are seeing that I have yet to address. But I'm not going to name my reasons for purposefully letting myself deteriorate. I am afraid. I admit it. So....there.
Soo, right now I have a internet window open to the Medicaid office and am submitting my information to try to get some type of insurance. For so many, that process alone is as simple as sending an email. Well, I'm not accustomed to the constant having to prove I deserve to have health care, answering questions that I don't feel apply to my situation all because of some individuals who abuse the system.
Anyway, after that I am going to fax information to their office before the even ask for it. In the meantime, I have to make an appointment with my Case Manager at the Health Department and see about getting back in as a client since the doctor I was incredibly uncomfortable with finally retired. If none of that works, (yes...there is a Plan B) I will seek medical care in Orange or Hillsborough County (Tampa/Orlando). So, there it is, in black and white to haunt me should I decide to procrastinate (I'm very skilled at that you know). In all seriousness, a friend pointed out to me in his blunt but loving way, "Procrastinate all you want while you're on this side of the dirt, the grave digger never procrastinates to get a paycheck." Well damn.
Oh all right, with all of that said and with a New Year literally minutes away... I will step outside of my nest and share the 10 reasons why I'm afraid. I guess I worked up enough typing courage to just admit it...
10. I'm afraid to be on medication because of the side effects.
Yes I know that without the medication it's more likely I will be ill
more frequently.
9. Taking the pills will remind me of what I did to get HIV in the first
place which will then make me depressed and then I'll probably need a pill for
that too. (Yes...I know there are medications that help me live longer- keep reading)
8. I'm afraid to lose weight because I don't want to "look sick" and I've
lied to myself that I like having "muffin top". I really don't. I like curves
and all but geesh! (I've GOT to lose like 20 pounds just for heart reasons period, point blank. I'll be damned if I go through all of this getting used to HIV meds just to fall dead of heart disease or diabetes!)
7. I'm afraid that I will never find a doctor that I can trust, but will
encounter pill pushers instead. (And I know there are good doctors out there, I just have to FIND them!!)
6. I'm afraid that even with the medication I will stay sick and die from
side effects. (Yes, my fears contradict each other but I'm just telling the thought process of each random fear)
5. I don't trust people to tell me what is good for my body unless they are
truly in my situation. (I want a doctor or Case Manager that I have to be HIV positive. I mean, I dont want them to get it if they don't have it already but I need someone I can relate to! Just because you've worked in the field for 15+ years doesn't help me when I have to go home to my life and you get to clock out without it permanently affecting you. And for the love of all that is Holy, I know that people that have been in the HIV/AIDS field are truly affected by the effect the virus has on people, but at the end of the day, I need your T-cells to understand my T-cells, that's all I'm saying.)
4. I'm afraid...kind of...that I will have to settle for a man I don't love
just to feel loved because of my status. (I'm really not going to entertain this with an explanation because if it wasn't HIV, it would be something else. I'm terrified of relationships period. There.)
3. I'm simply afraid of change. Explaining to people what T-cells and CD4
counts are is one thing. Waiting for the doctor to tell you what yours is, is
another. (Just to clarify things, when I was diagnosed, the availability of the medications that bring your viral load to undetectable weren't being offered and I didn't hear of these until recently...as in MAYBE two years ago? So, it's still hard to wrap my mind around that to how I was treated when I was first dianosed.)
2. I'm afraid the medication is going to make my breath stink and no one
will tell me. I'm serious. (Yeah, I know that's what breath mints and toothpaste is for, but I've been around some folks where that simply isn't cutting it. I politely offer them a mint condiment, they usually decline and I'm left feeling like my nose hairs have evaporated. Perhaps this isn't due to medication *shrug* my opinion).
1. I'm afraid of being dependant on something that a man in a lab created
in order for me to live. (A man that gets paid a pretty little penny for every pill that I swallow and I'm not going into conspiracy theories or whatnot, I'm just saying...I know that science has advanced leaps and tremendous bounds for me to even be able to sit here and blog this foolishness, but I'm only human.)The bottom line is I'm one distrusting, childish, insecure little girl. I'm not apologizing for it. Not until I get over it at least. There are more issues in between the lines, but those are the things that honestly run through my head when I get a fever, when another migraine forces me to hibernate in my room or when I'm so achy I can't stand to have my clothes touch my skin.
*sigh*
I know this is going to sound really dramatic, but I've decided, if I'm going to suffer, I need to suffer with a reason. Let it be because of the side effects and not my stubbornness, let it be because my breath stinks and no man wants to be near me instead of me settling for someone who's breath is ten times worse. (I joke...I kid /: )
I have to stop being afraid if I want anyone to take me seriously when I talk about how far I've come. I never really express that I'm a work in progress and it's important for people to understand that. If I was a finished product then someone has a LOT of explaining to do because I want my money back.
Adios fears of 2010. I am redeeming my " I DESERVE TO LIVE CARD" and am not making anymore excuses - no matter WHAT year it is!
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