Sipping on Saving Grace

Am I the only one that sincerely believes when you purchase or receive a new coffee mug, it enhances the flavor of your coffee? *sips*

Well, regardless of that, I believe receiving anything "new" in life is an enhancement. Come on ladies, you know what I mean. Yes, the new black shoes among the other ten pair you have make you a brand new fashion savvy woman! It's scientific fact! And fellas, don't think this is a phenomenon that is beyond you either. New car, new man? New tools and suddenly you're inspired to tackle that "honey do" list! Yes, adding something better than what you have - upgrading if you will, does enhance your life, how you feel about yourself and in a nutshell, how you treat others!

So, of course when I think about things like this while drinking from my new coffee mug, I begin to lean into God's word and wonder...

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17.

Woah. This is better than a new coffee mug. With that, I have the same coffee, same temporary caffeineated buzz, same sink full of dirty dishes when I'm done. But with Christ, the old things go away and EVERYTHING has become new? Overnight, no. But through Him, because His precious blood was shed for me, because He died and rose again, because I believe in Him; through His power I am new! Do I still have a sink full of dirty dishes, well...yes in a sense!

For many years I've struggled with a shameful habit of self-gratification that I used to justify with the most ridiculous excuses ever.

"Oh, everyone does it."
"Well, at least I'm not out in the streets doing this, that or the other..."

Each time I gave into the temptation of this habit, the temporary escape I felt was replaced with shame and guilt because I was destroying myself. That shame and guilt would lead to a paranoia that everything bad that happened the following day was directly related to me being disobedient. It got to where I'd justify not doing it if I had something important or exciting to do the next day. (This later worked in my advantage of kicking the habit, but in the meantime, I had little willpower.) How could I allow the Holy Spirit to move in me if I was occupied with a mountain of remorse that I didn't turn over to God? I'm still too ashamed to admit what it even was, but I can tell you this: Since I truly embraced the principle behind Matthew 9:17 in my life, I now understand how I am a new creation.

"Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved."

Oh I hope I didn't lose anyone with the wine mentioned in a blog that started out with coffee : /

Basically, once you turn you life, heart and trust over to Jesus and desire to live according to His will, you are new. In your newness God has things for you to pour out, to prosper, to succeed and give you fulfilling purpose in life; however that cannot be done if you are full of your old things. It can't be done overnight, you don't have to "get right" before you allow Jesus into your life, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't be in the word, claiming to live the life of Christ Jesus and knowingly commit acts that are displeasing to our heavenly Father because they are justified by what the world says is ok. God can't pour into you the new beautiful blessings He has in store for you if you aren't willing to go to the altar and pour out the old gross things at His feet. Ask Him to help you. He will. No matter how repulsive, shameful, hurtful, evil, big or little they are.

There are many people who would consider my habit nothing to lose sleep over. So did I until, there was one night a few years ago where I was really struggling with letting go of my habit. I couldn't find anything to distract me and I couldn't sleep as the habit was something that I used as a way to relax. I tossed and turned for an hour and finally mentally began to just call out and cry out to Jesus. I literally felt like there was something pulling against me to keep me from crying out. The more I cried, the stronger the pull until I was literally shaking each time I said His name. What felt like hours finally passed and I woke the next day feeling like a weight had been lifted off of me. I hadn't given in. What a victory! To know that night that the simple calling of His name kept me from giving into a temptation that was destroying the temple God had blessed me with made me feel brand new.

Did it last forever? Not at that time. I succumbed to it multiple times again before about a year ago, I went to go to bed one night realizing that even if I willingly thought about it; which I hadn't in some time, I had absolutely no desire to give in, entertain the notion and was repulsed by the mere consideration of it. That was my Hallelujah moment, true victory in it's finest fashion. I had to be willing to completely surrender my old, to get the new. And can I just say that the new changed a LOT in me!

Which is why as I sit here sipping my coffee from my new mug, I don't miss the old coffee mugs. They had sentimental value sure, but the coffee just didn't taste as good.

Allow God to bring newness into your life. Accept Jesus in your heart today, surrender the old and allow the newness of God's pure, unfiltered, unconditional and overpowering love come into you!

Did someone say how? There is no perfect formula, all you need is an open heart, willing spirit and a prayer along the lines of this (Confession, Belief, Acceptance):

Dear God in heaven, I come to you in the name of Jesus. I acknowledge to You that I am a sinner, and I am sorry for my sins and the life that I have lived; I need your forgiveness.

I believe that your only begotten Son Jesus Christ shed His precious blood on the cross at Calvary and died for my sins, and I am now willing to turn from my sin.

You said in Your Holy Word, Romans 10:9 that if we confess the Lord our God and believe in our hearts that God raised Jesus from the dead, we shall be saved.

Right now I confess Jesus as the Lord of my soul. With my heart, I believe that God raised Jesus from the dead. This very moment I accept Jesus Christ as my own personal Savior and according to His Word, right now I am saved.

Thank you Jesus for your unlimited grace which has saved me from my sins. I thank you Jesus that your grace leads to repentance and a transformation in my heart. Transform my life so that I may bring glory and honor to you alone and not to myself.

Thank you Jesus for dying for me and giving me eternal life.
In your precious name, Amen.

"Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him!" - Psalm 34:8

when that lightbulb is too bright...

So, in prayer...there are moments of clarity...not so much an answer to your prayer, but wisdom or discernment that leads your heart to focus on God's will. I am learning this, I am embracing this. I am changing my pace in my spiritual walk from a stroll to a sprint because that leisurely stroll sometimes left me distracted and confused as I didn't warm-up with God's word and prayer all the time and I stop to let things in the worLd frustrate me, discourage me or dazzle me. Once HE'S satisfied in preparing me to go forth in whatever area of my life I need to, I'm running!! #cantstopWontstop

I'm learning there are ideas that are mine, there are ideas that are inspired by the Lord, there are opportunities that I need to grasp and there are opportunties that are for me to pass on to another...my problem is knowing what is what.

In understanding how to recognize what is what, I am reading about laying it out before the Lord as King Hezekiah did in the face of opposition (2 Kings 18, 19:14-19). Often graced with wisdom, he didn't react out of emotions or what others thought he should do. He would pray, present his issue and allow the Lord our Father who knows better than us, to work it out through us.

So I pray:
Lord, Father,
I know you have equipped me to handle all that is brought in my path. I know this but I have trouble trusting my ability. Heavenly Father, forgive me in my hesitation, my doubt to find reason to not push forward, to not take heart and take charge with what you bring to me. I seek you in the decisions that are laid out before me and I trust that you will lead me and see me through each one of them, that I will be saturated in a peace of assurance that you are in it. To your power be the glory, in Jesus' name. Amen.

a superbowl wedding anniversary

Last year, on February 5th, I walked down the aisle towards the love of my life. I looked into the eyes of a man who sacrifices sleep to make sure we are provided for. I held hands with a man and stood before our friends, family and God while holding on to the promises we made to each other. And 12 days from now, we will be celebrating one year together.

Our wedding date was originally the 4th which would have been a Saturday in 2012. Due to a long story that still causes my blood pressure to rise, we had to change it to that Sunday. But it was all in God's plan. Everyone that was invited were members of our church and our wedding was held right after service. Yes, my church loves me that much. To go even further into how much my husband and I are loved...it was Super Bowl Sunday. Giants against Patriots. We're from FL so the deacons and bretheren of the church sacrificed their football Sunday to celebrate with us. There is no way to really thank them for all they did. Our husband and I are working on a way to show them how special they are to us, but it's going to take some time to pull it off.

I write all of this to say that our wedding anniversary will not always be a reminder to who my husband and I are to each other, but what true love really looks like when you are really surrounded by Christ-focused people. So, we're not only celebrating our committment to each other, but our committment to Christ to continue serving Him in all we do, continue being obedient and pray without ceasing always in all ways.

This year, my sweets decided he's in charge of the planning of our day. As long as we leave our own backyard and are in another area code, I'm over the moon happy! I'm looking forward to this adventure everyday...

Ephesians 3:20-21 "Now to him who is able to do immeasureably more than all we ask or imagne, according to His power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus, throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

For the love of www!

Tumblr. Instagram. Facebook. Twitter. Google+ (it took me fifty seconds to find the plus key). Apps for apps and apps to hide apps...for someone like me who is easily distracted, it's a wonder I get anything done. This is why I haven't been able to blog because my thoughts have too many bubbles to enter into. Then again, it's a good thing, because if it were easy for me to post the random and frequent thoughts I have, I'd be in trouble. Lots.

So, finally I've settled into this blogger thing. I think. I've given up on a website for now and I'm thinking of just doing this and Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and Words with Friends. Yep. That should keep it simple.

I wanted to focus on just HIV topics, but I'm just too random to contain, I must be freed so look out because I've posted YouTube videos! Well, it's still being edited at the moment, but they are coming. For  real this time. Something about turning 30 makes me care less of fitting the norm which is weird because I never thought I cared in the first place. Now I truly understand the term, "could care less".

According the blog I wrote two years ago, "Well, if you ask me..." I stated that I had begun classes at college, there was a benefit concert, so on and so forth. Yeah, none of that happened but as of now, I've got one semester under my belt and will resume classes this coming week. I've gotten married and will be celebrating my one year anniversary this February! I'm in the process of getting a home built with Habitat for Humanity. I've cut off all my chemically straightened hair and am now curly and girly! Lots has changed and lots has stayed the same but with it all, I won't complain. I'm just happy to feel like myself again, like I'm really truly comfortable in my own skin. It's ashy, but I'm comfortable.

So that is my random, unedited blog post. As soon as I come down from this Starbucks high I will post more detailed information on where to find me on all these social networks. But you can always find me on Facebook. That's where the most updated information will be, just less detailed as this.

Laterz!

Well if you ask me...

"It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that things are difficult." - Seneca

So, I got my honesty, woe-is-me blog out of the way for 2011 (update on that at a later date). Now, it's time to get to the meat and potatoes of what I want to accomplish this year. Not resolutions, but marks of achievements or events that I want to be a part of.

January - I, Kamaria Gammon, Queen of Procrastination and finding all reasons to not do something constructive on a long term level if it gets too complicated, have finally decided (and actually already been accepted to) start classes this semester at Southeastern University. I will be pursuing a Bachelor's of Science in Human Services. With this degree I want to be able to go into counseling (I've been told only the crazy can counsel the crazy anyway - joking), and develop programs to help people infected with HIV/AIDS love themselves through it all. In the meantime, I'm focusing more on taking care of me, and will be speaking on one of the most intense panels I've ever been invited to towards the end of the month. The preparation for it has challenged me because it is outside of my experience with HIV but at the same time it has openend my eyes and mind to be able to discuss my thoughts and opinions of other matters I may not be directly involved with in this field.

For example, for the past few months since I read an article on the ADAP Drug Waiting list and finding out that FL has the longest list in the nation and holds some of the highest ranking cities for infection rates, I became infuriated. I am not on this waiting list, but there are people who are. There are people who are on the AIDS Drug Assistance Program that don't know they are potential candidates to be dropped. At the time I began my research, people were not being notified that they might need to find other methods of paying for their life saving medication. I say all of this to say, that with the assistance of The Women's Collective in D.C. and some nice folks in South FL, I will hopefully be in attendance at a Emergency Crisis Summit where I will if nothing else, learn more about how the policies that go into getting something done with this works and what needs to be done to make it better. I know it all costs money and it is utterly depressing to think you have to put a price tag on someone's life.

February - The RCP Movement will be hosting it's 2nd Annual Show U Know benefit concert and health fair. The concept is simple, the entrance fee is free, you simply get tested for HIV and you're given a ticket to a show full of local stars and big name celebrities. You get saturated in a wealth of information on sexual responsibility and the opportunity to meet RCP members to bring the movement to your community! This will be in recognition of National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day and I love that it falls on National Black History Month. Sidenote, if the thought of why is the shortest month of the year Black History Month, just popped in your head I will also share my thoughts with you on that at a later date.

March - Ahh, the month of Spring. My calendar tells me that National Women & Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day falls on the 10th so I know that Campus RCP will be doing great things around the state. I have a potential speaking engagement with some close colleagues that I know will bring a great impact to the community and hopefully, the makings of my book will be in the works. I've gotten a very basic rough draft, several title ideas, I just don't know how I want to end it just yet.

Of course, all of this is subject to change, though I truly hope that none of it does because I am so excited to be nervous about doing new things and living outside my comfort zone. I'm excited to see where it brings me and if you ask me, there's simply no stopping me. I'm a child of God and I know where I stand on the things that matter. If you ask me, it's all good - but if you ask God, it's all GREAT!

The Final 10 in 2010

I am going to cut straight to the chase. I read through some blogs that I posted (completely forgot about them since I haven't been active in blogging) and I feel like sometimes I'm full of it. Completely full of it. Oh yeah, I mea n what I say as Iwrite it but my style in writing has transformed from the over-the-top honesty of ALL my thoughts in my MySpace days to [dare I say???] sugar-coating my emotions now. Mannnn...enough of that. I have spent this past year feeling like the biggest hypocrite ever because I'm telling people to take care of themselves, get tested, blah blah blah...yet I have no insurance, haven't been to labs in a year and have been sick more than I care to admit. I don't know what point I'm trying to prove walking around in all this pain for no reason. Migraines, neck aches, muscle spasms, teeth aches...without one visit to a doctor. Who DOES that?

Ok, me...

Yes, I'm sabotaging myself.

No, I'm not proud of it.

Yes, I want to change. No, it's not going to be easy.

Yes, I'm aware as to WHY I do it. NO, I'm not ready to discuss it here...not yet.

The wounds have been re-opened and I can't put a band-aid on it but I sure as heck can't let anyone dump their own thoughts onto it. Oh, you can speculate and encourage if you'd like. I actually am open to it, perhaps there is something others are seeing that I have yet to address. But I'm not going to name my reasons for purposefully letting myself deteriorate. I am afraid. I admit it. So....there.

Soo, right now I have a internet window open to the Medicaid office and am submitting my information to try to get some type of insurance. For so many, that process alone is as simple as sending an email. Well, I'm not accustomed to the constant having to prove I deserve to have health care, answering questions that I don't feel apply to my situation all because of some individuals who abuse the system.

Anyway, after that I am going to fax information to their office before the even ask for it. In the meantime, I have to make an appointment with my Case Manager at the Health Department and see about getting back in as a client since the doctor I was incredibly uncomfortable with finally retired. If none of that works, (yes...there is a Plan B) I will seek medical care in Orange or Hillsborough County (Tampa/Orlando). So, there it is, in black and white to haunt me should I decide to procrastinate (I'm very skilled at that you know). In all seriousness, a friend pointed out to me in his blunt but loving way, "Procrastinate all you want while you're on this side of the dirt, the grave digger never procrastinates to get a paycheck." Well damn.

Oh all right, with all of that said and with a New Year literally minutes away... I will step outside of my nest and share the 10 reasons why I'm afraid. I guess I worked up enough typing courage to just admit it...

10. I'm afraid to be on medication because of the side effects.
Yes I know that without the medication it's more likely I will be ill
more frequently.

9. Taking the pills will remind me of what I did to get HIV in the first
place which will then make me depressed and then I'll probably need a pill for
that too. (Yes...I know there are medications that help me live longer- keep reading)

8. I'm afraid to lose weight because I don't want to "look sick" and I've
lied to myself that I like having "muffin top". I really don't. I like curves
and all but geesh! (I've GOT to lose like 20 pounds just for heart reasons period, point blank. I'll be damned if I go through all of this getting used to HIV meds just to fall dead of heart disease or diabetes!)

7. I'm afraid that I will never find a doctor that I can trust, but will
encounter pill pushers instead. (And I know there are good doctors out there, I just have to FIND them!!)

6. I'm afraid that even with the medication I will stay sick and die from
side effects. (Yes, my fears contradict each other but I'm just telling the thought process of each random fear)

5. I don't trust people to tell me what is good for my body unless they are
truly in my situation. (I want a doctor or Case Manager that I have to be HIV positive. I mean, I dont want them to get it if they don't have it already but I need someone I can relate to! Just because you've worked in the field for 15+ years doesn't help me when I have to go home to my life and you get to clock out without it permanently affecting you. And for the love of all that is Holy, I know that people that have been in the HIV/AIDS field are truly affected by the effect the virus has on people, but at the end of the day, I need your T-cells to understand my T-cells, that's all I'm saying.)

4. I'm afraid...kind of...that I will have to settle for a man I don't love
just to feel loved because of my status. (I'm really not going to entertain this with an explanation because if it wasn't HIV, it would be something else. I'm terrified of relationships period. There.)

3. I'm simply afraid of change. Explaining to people what T-cells and CD4
counts are is one thing. Waiting for the doctor to tell you what yours is, is
another. (Just to clarify things, when I was diagnosed, the availability of the medications that bring your viral load to undetectable weren't being offered and I didn't hear of these until recently...as in MAYBE two years ago? So, it's still hard to wrap my mind around that to how I was treated when I was first dianosed.)

2. I'm afraid the medication is going to make my breath stink and no one
will tell me. I'm serious. (Yeah, I know that's what breath mints and toothpaste is for, but I've been around some folks where that simply isn't cutting it. I politely offer them a mint condiment, they usually decline and I'm left feeling like my nose hairs have evaporated. Perhaps this isn't due to medication *shrug* my opinion).

1. I'm afraid of being dependant on something that a man in a lab created
in order for me to live. (A man that gets paid a pretty little penny for every pill that I swallow and I'm not going into conspiracy theories or whatnot, I'm just saying...I know that science has advanced leaps and tremendous bounds for me to even be able to sit here and blog this foolishness, but I'm only human.)

The bottom line is I'm one distrusting, childish, insecure little girl. I'm not apologizing for it. Not until I get over it at least. There are more issues in between the lines, but those are the things that honestly run through my head when I get a fever, when another migraine forces me to hibernate in my room or when I'm so achy I can't stand to have my clothes touch my skin.

*sigh*

I know this is going to sound really dramatic, but I've decided, if I'm going to suffer, I need to suffer with a reason. Let it be because of the side effects and not my stubbornness, let it be because my breath stinks and no man wants to be near me instead of me settling for someone who's breath is ten times worse. (I joke...I kid /: )

I have to stop being afraid if I want anyone to take me seriously when I talk about how far I've come. I never really express that I'm a work in progress and it's important for people to understand that. If I was a finished product then someone has a LOT of explaining to do because I want my money back.

Adios fears of 2010. I am redeeming my " I DESERVE TO LIVE CARD" and am not making anymore excuses - no matter WHAT year it is!

Things Get Messy

It's been a while since I've posted a real blog and even at this moment that I am typing, I'm really not even sure how I want to compose my thoughts. Should I be funny? Should I put some quotes in? Be spiritual? Then I says, the hell with it... I'm just going to be me.

Here I am... because I don't know how to be anything else!

As of now, things with my health are still at a standstill thanks to the good old folks at the Medicaid office. I'm supposed to have a phone interview and I have to fax in some documents. All the while I'm just praying that things are well. I feel fine, but due to some extreme pessimists in my life, I'm told that means nothing.

Moving on...

I've been working on so many projects that I think I might start rocking a mohawk to hide the fact that I've been pulling my hair out. There is so much that I want to be involved in regarding HIV/AIDS... support groups, public service accouncements, fundraisers, etc and etc. It's been stressful trying to determine the best of the best and who to trust and who is in it for the right reasons.

I look back on how far I've come and how no one and I mean NO ONE could have told me five years ago that I'd be doing half of the things that I do now, let alone be a single mother speaking out about HIV... but here I am and I wouldn't change a thing. I've made some mistakes and I've made a mess out of resolving some of those mistakes but I know that in the end of it all, God has a way of designing our plights to take flight into a message beyond what we could ever contrive on our own.

I'm excited that this year the United States Conference on AIDS will be in my own back yard, Orlando, FL this year. Sadly, I wont be able to attend in the full capacity that I had intended, but it is all for the best. I will be a groupie hanging out outside of forums waiting for friends and gathering information as much as I can.

In the meantime, I will be happily anticipating RCP's (www.rcpmovement.org) 2nd annual Show You Know Benefit Concert in October. I'm happy to say that this will be their second year putting on the concert and I'm really excited to see how many people we can get tested!! I can't remember what last years numbers were but I know that they were something to be proud of.

Back to school is upon us and there are so many college campuses that need awareness measures taken as far as having "safer" sex, knowing what they are protecting themselves from and how to get out of sticky situations that could play a detrimental role on their lives. I wish I could send a massage email or Facebook message to every freshman coming onto a college campus about how they are in a whole new world and the rules from back home should still apply. Instead, I utilize measures such as this and hope and pray that the message of the messy matter gets through.

Use a CONDOM! Don't be scared to make sure you have them and if all else fails, EMAIL me and I will make sure that you get some before you git some! lol

Ok, well, my time needs to come to a close because motherhood duty calls as I head out to back to school shopping and whatnot. Thanks for being patient with my amateur blogging and random flow of thoughts. It will improve once I get back into this.

The Writing Is On The Wall

SO lemme tell you how good God is. How he truly speaks to me. How He puts the WRITING ON THE WALL!!

After I posted the blog regarding concerns for my t-cells and having to be put on medication, I really didn't think anything else of it. A friend on Facebook left me a comment on my wall encouraging me and I appreciated that. After that, it was really out of my mind. It was therapeutic to post, to read how I felt last year and relate it to how I was dealing now.

The next day at church my pastor continued his series entitled "How to Overcome Obstacles: David an Excellent Example" He went into the story of Saul and David and related to how we will come across a situation,and make statements claiming faith, healing, prosperity, etc. as though we are in complete control not realizing that if we were in complete control we would never get in situations liiiiiiiike... your car getting stalled on the train track. This is NOT the time to say, "I don't claim it"or "I will fast and pray". This is the time to take action, the writing on the wall can't be any clearer than your car stalling on the train track. It is time to MOVE!! You can NOT claim it all you want and you will claim a nice cozy spot with a granite stone headboard - six feet under.

This sermon got me to thinking how so many times, I don't use wisdom and faith together, how I blur the two to what sounds good to me at the time. I can sit back and not claim my illness, I can claim healing, I can claim all things regarding my health because of my faith in what I know God can do for me. BUT I cannot do these things and completely ignore all the writing, typing and painting on the wall that is telling me that I need to go to a doctor. God can work miracles through anything, it's not up to me to decide in what avenue He can demonstrate them. How dare I think I even have that power? Since when did I create the heavens and hte earth? And Lord knows if I had anything to do with that foolishness in the Garden of Eden things would NOT have gone down the way they did (I'm just saying, child birth is no joke).

So, now I have completed my application to receive Medicaid so that I can get back into care. There are some glitches in the matrix of my immune system that are not sitting too well with me. I really, really need eto get it together. I'm reaching too close to the age of 30 and I've read that the closer you get to that age, the harder it is to stay in shape. So I know that I really need to get in touch with some people that can help me (There is a high school friend who is a body building competitor). I don't plan to have any more kids. I really don't. Also, I'm always in pain so I know that my body is lacking something it needs. I started taking vitamin B12 so that I can have the natural energy I'm supposed to have and that has helped a LOT. I stopped drinking a lot of caffeine to the point now where I don't even want a Mt. Dew (yes I said it). I was getting too many migraines. They've stopped praise God. So, I'm really focused on so much for myself that will encompass my overall health and I can no longer ignore the writing on the wall. It has been highlighted and I need to take action before the ink fades.

480 and counting...

I originally drafted this blog September of 2009.

Most of you who are familiar with my MySpace blogs know that September and I don't get along well. I never published it because as much as I sound determined in this draft... well...the end results are I never went back. I am in the dark, I have made excuses. I am human, don't judge me. I'm publishing this hoping that putting it out there in black and white for people to see may encourage me to make the time that I need for me.

It's like finding out my status all over again.

I've been sent back in time six years. I've stood in front of people and shared how it felt that day. Sometimes I can remember exact details, sometimes I can feel the exact same way I did and other times I've blocked it out.

Yesterday, my doctor and I discussed my labs. In June, my T-cell count was 698. Dr. K expressed concern that I had contracted Hepatitis C. In August, tests were run and it was discovered that I don't have HepC; however my T-cells have dropped to 480.

My mind flashes back to a hospital visit where Dr. V stormed in my hospital room after I had been there for three days and wanted to quarantine me for tuberculosis. Once it was determined that I didn't have it, he insisted I be put on medication. I was to take Kaletra and Combivir twice a day. Three Kaletras and two Combivir's if I remember correctly... that's ten pills a day folks. Each time I swallowed a pill, I was reminded of what I almost did to my child, of what I did to my family, of that night, of what a low point I had reached in my life when I made the decision to sleep with him... I was reminded and drowned in sorrow each and every time.

And don't misunderstand, I've never liked swallowing pills. I don't like being reminded of illness or sickness or putting my health at the stake of a bunch of chemicals in a tablet form. Hell, who does? And the bigger they are, the more I abhor it, the more it makes my sorrow grow. It's just a constant reminder that something's not right, that I'm not complete and I need this pill to survive.

Anyway, he's ordered more blood work in 12 weeks.

Now please understand this, I have a significant way of praying over situations and once I'm passed my anger/pity party/f*** the world phase I will resume to that state.

Right now. I'm mad. I'm sad. And dammit, I'm letting my wall down. When you have people around you all the time telling you how strong you are, how you inspire them and how people need to hear your story over and over again, you begin to create this bubble around yourself. Not an untouchable bubble but one where you get so caught up in helping everyone else, you forget to know how to deal with issues of your own. The people one would think that I'd reach out to, I don't want to. I don't want to be asked a lot of questions, I simply want to cry and borrow a shoulder for a minute. That's all. I want someone to hug ME and tell ME that everything is going to be alright. I want it to be ok to be this "powerful", "inspirational", "empowering" person that everyone sees to be allowed to be afraid, uncomfortable and weak right now. Just temporarily. Give me that.

I know I'm going to be ok, God's got too much work for me to do to NOT be ok. But I'm simply not feeling it right now and I want to be allowed that. So I'm in my funk, I'm in my quiet mode and I'm ok with it.

HIV 101: Keeping the Youth Alive

WHAT IS HIV?

It's the Human Immunodefciency Virus - that causes AIDS.

WHO HAS HIV?

People infected with the virus carry it forever and can transmit it to others through their blood, semen, vaginal fluids and breast milk.

HOW IS HIV SPREAD?

HIV can be contracted through the above described methods by having vaginal, oral or anal sex unprotected; sharing needles to shoot drugs, giving tattoos or piercings (or any other reasons) with another person who is infected with HIV; and lastly can be transmitted from a mother who is infected with HIV to her baby before, during or after birth (through breastfeeding).

BUT CAN'T I GET HIV FROM MOSQUITOES?

You cannot get infected with the HIV virus from sitting next to someone who is infected, shaking their hands or giving them a hug. You cannot get it from dry or social kissing*, using restrooms, water fountains, or telephones after a person who is infected. Eating in the same restaurant, swimming in a pool or using a hot tub, bug bites, and giving blood are also not ways you can get HIV. *Kissing can spread other STD/STI's (Sexuall Transmitted Diseases or Infections), such as herpes. Call the CDC National STD and AIDS Hotlines for more information at 800-227-8922.

WHAT DOES HIV DO?

HIV weakens an infected person's immune system which makes it easier to become ill with other ailments and infections. As the immune systme weakens and an infected person is not seeking consistent medical care or adhering to medication or treatment, they can then develop AIDS (acquired immunodeficiency syndrome) or become "full blown". Sadly, for now, HIV and AIDS are a fact of life that cannot be eliminated, and is eliminating people we love.

AM I AT RISK?

Every 9.5 minutes, someone in the United States is infected with HIV. Anyone who comes in contact with an infected person's blood, semen, breast milk, or vaginal fluids in an open source is at risk for contracting HIV. The riskiest behaviors in contracting the virus are sharing needles to use drugs, receptive anal intercourse, and vaginal intercourse. HIV/AIDS knows no age, gender, ethnicity, class, height, lifestyle or religion. It is simply a disease that there is no cure for. It is however; statistically higher in youth and black heterosexual women.

Why are the youth more at risk?

Many young people have begun to or are approaching the age where they are preparing to leave home for college or planning for the future to live on their own, gaining independance and are meeting a lot of new people that will influence their decisions. Many of them are not physically, emotionally, or sexually mature in their growth to reach these new levels. College life offers more opportunities to develop sexual relationships as the students are around many like themselves who may be away from home for the first time.

HOW WILL I KNOW SOMEONE IS INFECTED?

You cannot tell by looking at someone if they are infected with HIV or not. A person can look and feel fine but still be infected with HIV. Many people who are infected are on a medical treatment to where the viral load in their immune system is undetectable; meaning there are fewer copies of the virus in the blood than the tests can measure. While undetectable, a person can still have high measures of the virus in their semen and vaginal fluids and they can still pass it to someone in unprotected sex or sharing needles. The only true way to know if someone is infected is to get tested! Anonymous and/or confidential testing for HIV is offered by many medical clinics. Keep in mind that test results may not indicate that a person is HIV-positive until six months or more after infection which is called a "window period".

WHAT IS THE SAFEST WAY TO AVOID GETTING HIV/AIDS?

The safest way to avoid many things that anyone may not be mature enough to handle including unwanted pregnancy, std/sti's, hiv/aids, broken hearts due to lack of trust, etc is to simply abstain from having sex. Many people choose this as a part of their lifestyle whether it be for personal, religious or health reasons. It is a choice made by those that realize sex is not a "must" or a rite of passage to experience things in life. One thing that a lot of people don't understand about abstinence is that even if you've engaged in sex in the past, you can still make the choice to abstain and wait until you know you are ready - preferably when you are in a committed, monogomous relationship like marriage.

Many couples decide together to abstain which helps strengthen their relationship, build self-respect and open opportunities to really get to know each other beyond physical satisfaction. It is easier to make this decision early in the relationship before things get to a point where it becomes difficult to say no.

WHAT IF THAT DOESN'T WORK?

If you do choose to have sex, have SAFE sex! That doesn't just begin with a condom, it begins with being honest with your partner, remaining faithful to one another and refrain from shooting up drugs. Just one time is all it takes to be infected with HIV and other STD's.

BUT I ALWAYS USE CONDOMS, SO I'M SAFE RIGHT?

Condoms are NOT always 100% effective and the packaging clearly tells you that. When used properly, condoms can help protect you and your partner against HIV and other STD's as well as unwanted pregnancy; however... CERTAIN STDs CAN STILL BE SPREAD BY CONTACT WITH INFECTED AREAS THAT ARE NOT COVERED BY A CONDOM!! (See Genital Herpes Transmission).

HOW DO I USE A CONDOM PROPERLY?

First, discuss condom use before you have sex with your partner and agree that you will use them with every sexual encounter properly. This will also help you avoid any scare trips to the doctor due to being allergic to certain types of condoms.

Video: How to Put On A Condom

• Health officials encourage you to use a male latex condom for each seperate act of vaginal, anal or oral sex; however if you cannot use a male latex condom, there are condoms for females as well.
• Read the labels and instructions on the packaging carefully!
• Check the expiration date.
• Check the individually wrapped condom for a pocket of air inside. The condom wrapper should feel as though there is air inside, not flat.
• Use a water based lubricant for vaginal and anal sex. Never use condoms with oil based lubricants, such as petroleum jelly or with any vaginal products that may have oil. This causes the condom to be more porous, allowing semen and viruses to travel through the condom.
• If allergic to latex condom, there are also polyurethane or synthetic latex condoms. These types of condoms have not been as thoroughly tested as male latex condoms; however the CDC indicates that they're likely to provide similar protection.

I'M COOLER WHEN I'M HIGH

Using alcohol or anything that alters your sober mental state, including prescription drugs increases your risk for HIV infection (and only God knows what else!). A person's decision to say no or remain abstinent or faithful to their partner may be weakened if here or she is using alcohol or other drugs. People with altered states of mind are more likely to forget to use condoms or may not use them properly.

HOW DO I AVOID THE TEMPTATION?

Pressure to party and engage in ccertain activities may seem like a reality in college life, single life, depressed life, etc. but it is important to protect yourself from high risk situations like gatherings centered around alcohol or other drugs. Avoid adding these two dangerous incentives to your dates as it can promote risky or violent behavior including date rape. Do not be afraid to say no and you can do so politely; however be firm. Aside from health issues, alcohol use or possession by people under the age of 21 can result in legal problems and it is important that you know the laws in your state as well as in other countries when traveling for holidays. Your schools, jobs or organizations you may be a part of might have rules about alcohol use by students or employees.

Learn to assert yourself, stand firm in your convictions of what you believe is best for you. Think ahead as sometimes certain stressors and pressures in life may make making decisions like abstaining from sex and refraining from drug use more difficult. It's easier to make these decisions when you think about consequences and decide on your limits and boundaries before getting into a situation involving alcohol, drug or sex. While it may be diffiult depending on the moment, try to always remain calm when choosing to say no and leave emotions out of your decision. Look the person in the eye and stand straight or sit up straight - try not to give nervous laughter or smiles as this may be interpreted as uncertainty. Use "I" statements instead of ridiculing the person who is choosing to be involved in high risk behavior. Say, "I have more fun when I'm not drinking", or "Drinking makes me sick", or "No thanks, I have a (test, interview, meeting) in the morning", instead of "You're a fool for drinking." As you should have your mind made up before you actually say no, stand firm and don't give in or argue your decision.

If still caught in the heat of the moment and temptation is in your face, learn to flip people's statements to where they can't respond:

But, everyone is doing it. / REPLY: I'm someone and I'm not doing it.

I thought you loved me. / REPLY: If you loved me, you wouldn't pressure me.

I'll still respect you in the morning. / REPLY: Good. I'll see you then.

This blog was written mostly for an informational purpose. As an individual living with HIV and someone who has been to many "sex education" classes in school, I feel that it would be less of me and what I believe in to not put my two cents in. First, I am a firm believer in abstinence. I was taught it growing up, I believe in the Bible and that all in it is what we should follow; however there are many factors to consider when thinking of who you are talking to as an audience when teaching abstinence. I do NOT believe it should be solely taught in schools. Things taught in schools should be reinforced in life beginning at home. If a student doesn't have someone at home or anyone they trust in their life to reinforce abstinence as an example of how to live, can you honestly expect them to adhere to it simply because you tell them to? While in some schools, the reasons WHY abstinence is the safest way to avoid HIV, STD's and unwanted pregnancy, there are less schools that provide or explain (notice I didn't say HAND OUT) the tools available to individuals who choose to not abstain OR for individuals who may get in a situation or even live in a situation where they don't have a choice. I feel that you can't tell someone not to do something without telling them why or without explaining how to protect themselves should something unforseen occur. Yes, in the book of Genesis, Adam and Eve were given specific instructions and then didn't follow them and NO I'm not saying God should have given them candied apple so that they wouldn't have been tempted. I'm saying that because the source of original sin went down the way it did, it caused a ripple effect of more sin. We were then at that point, given free will and our free will has caused deaths, heartache, wars, poverty, greed, etc. and we all have ways to avoid things that are not good for us. Even then... Eve could have had anything else in the Garden of Eden. We can do ANYTHING else besides put ourselves at risk for HIV, STDs and unwanted pregnancy; however we let our flesh (hormones/peer pressure) get the best of us. So if we must be that weak we should at least utilize the methods that are available to us so that we can take advantage of the chances given to us to do better each day.

Also, as well as there are rules regarding proper usage of condoms, there is education on proper disposal of condoms. Do NOT flush them down the toilet!! Do NOT throw them under the bed or couch or car seat. Do NOT use them more than once. Upon removal of used condom, roll in tissue along with wrapper (if it can be found - I know how it is sometimes), and place in trash can. If there is concern of embarrassing discovery later, be sure to dispose of outside. I don't know anyone that digs through their bathroom trash can, this seems like a pretty safe place to throw a condom away.

I thank you for taking the time to read this lengthy blog and will soon return to my personal rants on being HIV positive and trying to keep others from getting it too!

Press Release from NMAC: White House Announces HIV/AIDS Funding Priorities for FY2010

My commentary of this press released that I received via email today will be in this font as I mostly copy and pasted from the email itself. Over the past several months, there has been heavy concern and prayer regarding federal funding all across the board for non-profit organizations, all the way up to agencies that heavily rely on federal funding. People have been asked to contact their local legislators to speak on their behalf regarding these concerns and evidently, the people have been heard! As of today, the HIV/AIDS funding has been increased for the fiscal year of 2010. This strengthens my hope that interventions will increase as newly infected cases will decrease. The press release goes as follows:

The Obama administration released details about HIV/AIDS funding in the FY2010 budget. During a conference call in which the National Minority AIDS Council (NMAC) participated, White House Officials noted that the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) budget will be $78.4 billion a $2.6 billion increase from last year.

The National Minority AIDS Council hosts the United States Conference on AIDS every year. I have had the honor of participating on a small scale as a panelist. Over the past twenty years, NMAC has played a pivitol role in addressing the challenges of HIV/AIDS by designing and implementing programs and initiatives to address communities of color.

“This is a great time for the HIV/AIDS movement, with the epidemic once again becoming a priority in the government’s agenda,” said Paul Kawata, Executive Director of NMAC. “We are moving toward a national health strategy that will address the funding necessary to target the HIV/AIDS epidemic and other health disparities in the U.S. ”

The $78.4 billion will breakdown as follows: $53 million will be geared to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC) HIV budget, including HIV/AIDS prevention, testing, linkages to services, increasing capacity, and health department monitoring; $54 million will be directed to the Ryan White Care Act; HOPWA will have a modest increase; and abstinence-only budgets will be 75% reallocated into comprehensive, evidence-based teen pregnancy prevention education and 25% geared to fund new HIV/AIDS interventions. In addition, the National Institutes of Health (NIH) will receive $443 million increase in funding, where $6 billion will be for cancer research over eight years.

I am even more excited regarding the abstinence only budget being reallocated. I hope that it takes shape as abstinence only programs across the state of Florida haven't made much of a difference with the rates of teen pregnancy remaining the same or increasing. The point of implementing programs like this in my opinion is to decrease a statistic. I am a firm believer in abstinence-only; however if it's not reinforced in a teen's community or especially at home, it is totally ineffective. With that being said, implementing a comprehensive health education along with encouraging the benefits of exploring abstinence will probably go a LONG way. Of course, this is my humble opinion. I'm just glad it's being recognized on a national level.

“This budget will significantly increase prevention efforts to address the staggering rate of new HIV cases that take place annually in the U.S., which is most welcome considering the frightening spike in HIV/AIDS rates throughout our country, especially among people of color and our nation’s capital”, said Ravinia Hayes-Cozier, NMAC’s Director of Government Relations and Public Policy Division. “Although the ban on funding for syringe exchange will not be lifted, we will continue our intensive advocacy work for it. Also, funding to support getting people into care is crucial to the success of a National AIDS Strategy, where the lack of access to HIV/AIDS treatment and care has been a continuous concern since the epidemic began.”

I am a little upset with the ban on syringe exchange not being lifted. Logic tells most HIV/AIDS prevention and outreach workers that most needle drug users won't take the time to stop and clean their works and needles (cotton, cooker, spoon, etc.) as they properly should when
using drugs. Yet, I believe as most of the people who work in the HIV/AIDS field do, that if a needle exchange program is implemented, it will greatly decrease the number if HIV transmission and infection to new users. Some feel that it only encourages people to continue using their drugs but I have learned that when dealing with HIV/AIDS prevention and getting someone's attention who is high risk, you have to bring your prevention skills to a level where they will give a damn. If you come at a person who shoots up every day and simply tell them that the only way they can prevent contracting or transmitting HIV is for them to stop... they are going to give you the what-the-hell-ever face. But if you approach them with compassion for their addiction (not judgement, ridicule and disdain) and let them know that while they are struggling, they still have a way to protect themselves, then they will listen. Some adhere to cleaning their works and needles, others would prefer a place to take their used needles/syringes in exchange for a sterilized one. It's not a "COME GET FREE WORK SUPPLIES HERE" stand as some people are led to think. But I can go on and on about this particular facet in the fight on HIV/AIDS. Feel free to read more at your convenience on these links provided:

Cleaning Your Works

Why Needle Exchange Programs are Vital in the Fight on
HIV/AIDS

DrugPolicy.org

(As of May 06, there were 186 Needle Exchange Programs running in 36 states as well as D.C., Puerto Rico and Native American islands.)

The HHS budget justifications will be publicly available within the next few days and include more details.

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About NMAC
The National Minority AIDS Council (NMAC) has advanced its mission, “to develop leadership within communities of color to address the challenges of HIV/AIDS” since 1987 through individualized capacity building assistance, technical assistance trainings, public policy education programs; national and regional conferences; treatment and research education programs; online and printed resource materials; and a website: http://www.nmac.org/. The agency also serves as a membership association for its constituents AIDS service organizations and minority faith- and community-based organizations delivering HIV/AIDS services in communities of color and advocates on their behalf in Washington , DC . NMAC's advocacy efforts are funded through private funders and donors only. For more information, please contact NMAC directly at (202) 483-NMAC (6622) or communications@nmac.org. You may find us online at http://www.nmac,org/, as well as on Facebook.com, Wikipedia.com, Twitter.com, MyPhotoAlbum.com and YouTube.com.

About NMAC in Action

Much of the information distributed through the NMAC in Action and on the NMAC website is drawn from secondary sources. It is not meant to constitute or convey medical advice or diagnostic information. People living with HIV/AIDS should share information of interest with their primary care provider before making treatment choices. The presence of the name or image of any person on the NMAC website, or within this message, should not be construed as an indication of their HIV status, unless specifically stated.

The National Minority AIDS Council (NMAC) has responded to the needs of communities of color by developing programs aimed at enhancing the skills necessary to confront this health crisis, including a public policy education program, national and regional training conferences, a treatment and research program and numerous publications. Today, NMAC is an association of AIDS service organizations providing valuable information to community-based organizations, hospitals, clinics and other groups assisting individuals and families affected by the AIDS epidemic. NMAC's advocacy efforts are funded through private funders and donors only. For more information, call: (202) 234-5120; e-mail: communications@nmac.org; or visit: http://www.nmac.org/.

Assessing A Situation

A woman gives birth to a baby boy sixteen years ago and never tells the child who his father is due to the father being into a lot of illegal activities in the community. The child grows up only to lose his mother in his senior year of high school because she had AIDS. Now the entire family has turned their backs on him and his younger sibling for what they think of his mother. He has no home, doesn't attend school regularly and is now becoming a shadow of the father he doesn't even know exists.

There are so many things wrong in that scenario... well, it's not a scenario, it's a reality and it's a sickening one. So many opportunities to make things right, give a child hope, step in and help a mother identify her high risk behaviours prior to giving birth to a second child... So many reasons why respecting yourself, checking yourself and protecting yourself is vital. It's a vicious cycle that could have been a healthy bonded circle...

It saddens me... where does the community step in? What can be done for mothers out there that can help them make better decisions so that they can raise healthy minded, loved, ambitious young men and women? Is there still hope for this child? Is he lost?

Hey HIV, Will You Marry Me?

People tend to think some things about HIV positive people like that they can’t be in a relationship, that they won’t get married, have sex (yeah, seriously), or anything that someone who’s not infected with HIV can have. They are wrong and I specifically picked a word to discuss in this blog to show that someone with HIV can be with someone who does not have HIV…

Ladies and gentleman, introducing a new word to your vocabulary: Serodiscordant is a term used to describe a couple in which one partner is HIV positive and the other is HIV negative. Serodiscordant relationships are also referred to as "magnetic".

Sero-concordant is the term used to describe a couple in which both partners are of the same HIV status (i.e., both are HIV positive or both are HIV negative). Serodiscordant couples face numerous issues not faced by sero-concordant couples, including facing a decision as to what level of sexual activity is comfortable for them, knowing that practicing safer sex reduces but does not eliminate the risk of transmission to the HIV negative partner. There are also potential psychological issues arising out of taking care of a sick partner, and survivor guilt. Financial strains may also be more accentuated as one partner becomes ill and potentially less able or unable to work. Then you have to think of planned parenting. How will the child be conceived? At what risks are you willing to take physically, emotionally, financially? Do you find a surrogate to carry the child? Do you adopt?

I’ve been putting off writing this blog for some time now because I didn’t want particular people taking my blog personal. This is something that has been on my mind for quite some time and I think I’ve finally got it together to put it into black and white.

When the subject of dating comes up in my life, I’ve been asked several times, ‘What are you looking for?” "Why are you single?" To that I usually reply with a hesitant smile or a shrug of the shoulders because I don’t really like answering the question. I always feel as if the person inquiring is looking for some certain answer to make them feel good and I want my answer to be conceived the same way it is given. I don’t want my answer to be taken as though the person that is asking me has to immediately meet my standards or requirements and if they don’t they will no longer get the time of day. As Steve Harvey has said many times on his show how women always settle and they end up in situations where they are unhappy because they don’t state their requirements. Some people like to know that they are measured at some level or that they have something to strive for. Well, at least in my opinion.

So, for some time, I’ve been thinking… while I know my worth and I know my place as a woman in a relationship, there are things that I believe should be taken into consideration prior to me establishing my heart and soul firmly in that position. I should be bringing things to the table as well as my potential mate. I should be willing to succumb to certain conditions as well as he. There is no 50/50 in my eyes, it’s give all and take all. Some would consider this unrealistic, but I’m a old fashioned romantic and it’s what I expect, what I require. We should be partners that balance each other, compliment each other. My peanut butter to his jelly, if you will. (Strawberry, if you’re feeling fresh!)

So what am I looking for?

I am looking for someone who is secure enough in themselves to love me at my worst so they can really appreciate me at my best and someone who is secure enough to let me see them at their worst and not always their best. I want to be with someone who appreciates the quiet so when I get loud and want to get loose, they will have the time of their lives (it happens). The person that I need to be with has to be someone that is willing to be in a sero-discordant relationship because I am a woman that openly speaks about being HIV positive, I pass out condoms, I hug drug addicts and I see a doctor every three months. One day, I night be on medication. One day, I might want another child. I give a lot of myself and I do not do so to compensate for some psychological trauma where I feel as though to give is the only way to receive love. I give and want my mate to understand that my love is boundless and intertwining with all man (not MEN, but mankind). I want someone who believes in fighting for what is right, not just because it makes you feel good, but because it’s right and you aren’t afraid of the changes to come. I see me being with someone that can embrace me for all that I am and still maintain their own crazy, sexy, cool… does that really sound impossible? No. It sounds like something that takes faith, work, communication, time, open-mindedness, willingness to laugh at yourself, the ability to show weaknesses, accepting that you are two people that are human, that are bound to make mistakes and to be comfortable with one another when the mistakes happen. That’s what I’m looking for. Can you handle that?

Why has it taken me so long to write this? Because I’m a single mother who has had her share of heartbreaks and has caused others she loved (loves) dearly pain. I am a woman who lives on the edge of not wanting to accept what life has given her and I fight through it daily because I know what God has promised me. I am a human being who is saddened at the thought that one mistake I made could cause me to not live long enough to see my daughter. That sadness sometimes keeps me from getting out of the bed. Can you handle that?

When I get proposed to, when someone wants to be with me that I deem worthy of the above mentioned things, I want them to know that this is what they are saying, “I do” to. It’s not just about the rings, the bridal party, the honeymoon, the living together, it’s about accepting each other BEFORE the joint accounts, before you get the dog… it’s about having the late night conversations, surviving the fights, the in-laws, the haters, the financial upheaval and the let downs. It’s about knowing that there are times you can’t fix everything but being there for each other does count for something. It’s about getting a chill twenty years into the marriage because the spark has never died. Come to think of it, I don’t even want a spark, I want an inferno… but should the flames die down, I know my best friend, my lover, my man will understand that things that can warm me again. It’s about being real with each other. Can you handle that?

I want my future husband to know that there are some days I am so sure in every decision I make and all that comes my way and there are days where I have to remember to tell the storm how big my God is because I just can’t take anymore and don’t want to bring those I love into my turmoil. I want my future husband to pray with me. I don’t mean quietly in his own time, I mean get down on his knees and confess sins, profess glory, give honor and praise to God with me. Can you handle that?

I always tell friends who have been through rough patches, bad break-ups and whimsical flings that the reason we go through our bad times is so that we can truly appreciate the good times. If things were all good all the time, we would completely take people in our lives for granted. We’d take for granted the tender moments where we feel like the most special person in the world. So, you have to be appreciative of those times when you wonder why you ended up with such a loser or why you wasted your time on such a gold digger. When you meet the one who knows your worth, you will know it. It won’t be a temporary feeling. It will be one that will stick with you like that piece of gum you stepped on in the parking lot at the mall and you didn’t notice until you stepped on your freshly mopped kitchen floor. Yeah, like that. LOL

Seriously, though there are times I wonder if I live in a fantasy land, I sit and make lists of realistic characteristics that I believe help a relationship thrive and the things I’ve mentioned are on that list. So perhaps when it’s all packaged together it seems like something that doesn’t exist, but I wait patiently because I know that my God knows the desires of my heart and knows what will break my heart. So I trust in Him to bring to me what is supposed to be in my life. I’d like to think that my list in comparison to who God is preparing for me doesn’t do him any justice. I'd like to hope that the man I receive in my life will exceed all that I ever hoped for.

I say all of this as a woman with HIV who once thought that love forgot all about me and would never know me again. I thought I was destined to be a pill popping-toilet hugging-rocking chair sitting-old maid who would only be touched by a nurse practioner (and what a cold touch they have sometimes)! But I have had to come to terms with things, stop just going through life and GROW through life. I now know that despite it all, I am worthy to have what my heart wants. Some would say a lot of odds are against me. I'm a single mother (who has a normal relationship with the baby's father - no animosity), I speak out publicily (to educate others to keep them from feeling isolated or that it can't happen to them) and I like country western music.

What? We've all got our quirks!

For a real dose of my blog read, When Opposites Attract:

http://www.thebody.com/content/whatis/art40470.html

Let Me Re-Introduce Myself...

I initially did this video as a thank you to all my friends on MySpace who had been there for me from the time that I disclosed my status of being HIV positive. Since then, I have been surrounded by friends and family who have inspired me and strengthened me to face the challenges of stigma, stare down the demons of isolation and kick off into the ass of despair. I speak out for those that can't, won't or too afraid to. I speak out for those that have to sneak and take their medications alone, who have to go to doctor's appointments alone, who have to face the complications of HIV/AIDS in death alone. No one should have to be alone and for those that have made sure that I never am, I say....

The First Ten Years: A History Lesson of HIV/AIDS

The Timeline of HIV/AIDS in America with breakdowns in Florida…

The First Ten Years

[1981: The Dawn of the Dead]

First U.S. “AIDS” cases reported in NY, CA, and FL among white gay men

(But people, PLEASE don’t get it twisted. This was not just a white, gay man disease. They were just the only ones going to the doctor for their symptoms to figure out what was wrong. If there is interracial dating, then let us be real and KNOW that there were gay, black men as well with this disease too. Think of the black men that died mysteriously in the mid 80’s to 90’s from “pneumonia” or “cancer”?

As which leads me to the next plot in the timeline, a point made in hindsight because no one was openly admitting that this was going on…

But people who were NOT white, male, AND gay had a false sense of security that they were NOT at risk.

Just imagine if people had treated this disease as though it were airborne or something obtained through drinking water or eating spinach, the precautions that would have been taken!

AIDS was initially named “GRID”. Can you guess what that was for?

Gay Related Immune Deficiency – Thank GOD we’ve made the strides we have made thus far to realize that this virus knows no gender, race, sexual preference, age, religion, appearance (meaning no matter HOW fine or sexy a man or woman is, ANY one can have it!!), social status, or political affiliation.

[1982: Que es Nombre?]

The gay related immune deficiency virus is given the name AIDS – Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome and the virus is now being diagnosed among HETEROsexuals, injection of drug users, transfusion recipients, hemophiliacs, and newborn infants; hence identified as a BLOOD-BORNE infection.

[1983: Number by Number]

The Centers for Disease Control (CDOC) declared AIDS as a reportable disease.

This information is crucial in the timeline as most of your data and statistics that you read and learn are of REPORTED cases only, meaning these are only the collected data of individuals that have been tested and know their status. This does NOT include the individuals roaming God’s green Earth without the first iota as to what they are carrying in their bodies; hence the importance of being tested and knowing your status, refraining from high risk behavior that can impair judgment and educating yourselves about the risks.

At the end of 1983, the cumulative AIDS cases reported were 4,156 in the United States, 235 being in the state of Florida. This staggering climb in AIDS cases led to it being declared a “public health emergency”, requiring physicians to report diagnosed cases immediately. This also changed how doctors, hospitals, and clinics operated.

[1984 : Cause & Effect]

Active surveillance for AIDS cases began in Florida; primarily focusing on South Florida.

HIV (HUMAN Immunodeficiency Virus [key word being human!!] is now identified as the cause of AIDS.

At the end of 1984, the cumulative AIDS cases reported were 9,920 cases in the United States with 544 being in Florida.

[1985: Hello, Operator? A Mosquito Bit Me!]

The FLORIDA toll free AIDS Hotline is established

Hysteria is created when TWO doctors in Belle Glade, FL claim that mosquitoes transmit HIV

The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the first HIV antibody test and screening of the blood supply began (which prevented the virus from being passed in blood transfusions – so today this is not a huge concern of contracting the virus)

Over 20 anonymous (alternate) HIV counseling and testing sites are established throughout Florida.

At the end of 1985, the cumulative AIDS cases reported were 20, 500 (that’s MORE than doubled!!) and 1,000 of these cases were in Florida.

[1986: Tune into WHIV for the latest...]

A statewide Public Information Campaign in Florida was initiated with billboards and radio spots as the first phase in prevention and awareness

WHY did this take FIVE years to happen since the beginning of the spread of the virus? Why do evolve so slowly as a people to protect ourselves from self destruction?

Remember that bullshit about mosquitoes carrying HIV? A CDOC/Florida study was conducted in Belle Glade disproved this pile of poo and was published in the journal of Science.

At the end of 1986, the cumulative AIDS cases reported were 37,000 with 2,100 of them being in Florida.

[1987: Take 2 Million Dollar Pills & Call Me In The Morning!]

Funding was obtained to expand HIV prevention education to minorities and community based groups.

There have been up to 3,000 calls a month to the AIDS Hotline

AZT (Retrovir) approved as the FIRST antiretroviral drug, initially helpful in warding off opportunistic infections and wasting.

This is now a drug given to pregnant women with HIV/AIDS to keep the child from contracting the virus during the term and delivery. Isn’t science wonderful? Or a double edged sword? Hmmm…

At the end of 1987, the cumulative AIDS cases reported were 59,500 cases and 3,700 of them are reported in Florida.

REMEMBER for those of you who may have forgotten, that these numbers are REPORTED cases of individuals who have been tested and are aware of their status!!

[1988: Silence Is Death]

Supplemental AZT funding was obtained by Florida; over 700 patients enrolled to receive the drug.

Can you imagine the lives that could have been saved had MORE people felt COMFORTABLE enough to be tested and/or had the money to enroll to receive the drug?? Remember at the end of 1987, there were 3700 reported cases, now Florida has 700 individuals enrolled to receive this drug that can prevent complications in the body due to the virus. There are still roughly 3,000 people wandering around NOT receiving treatment.

Surgeon General C. Everett Coop, MD, sends a booklet titled, “Understanding AIDS” to all 107 million households in the U.S., informing the country about HIV and how to prevent it - the LARGEST public health mailing EVER done.

Surgeon General Koop held office from 1982 to 1989 and was told to keep silent his non judgmental and progressive views about AIDS for several years before the mail out booklet.

Aren’t you glad he didn’t listen?

At the end of 1988 the cumulative AIDS cases reported were 89,800 in the United States with 6,300 being in Florida.

[1989: Crack Increases Risk]

Burroughs Wellcome , a fund that supports pharmaceutical companies, lowered the priced of AZT by 20% 4 days after ACTUP (AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power) activists staged a large protest at the NY Stock Exchange.

See? Unity and persistence DOES make a difference people!! Raise your voice, be heard!! Make a difference!

An epidemic of “crack” cocaine hits the streets of Florida, leading to an increase in syphilis and AIDS.

Amazing what drug use can make you do. And yes to those of you nodding your head about these things being put here on purpose by the government, we hear you! But instead of focusing on what the government did or didn’t do on purpose, STOP them at their own game. See, for years they know that WE know what they are up to, but they know that most of us are just going to run around paranoid at their next tactic or sit and talk about don’t do this and don’t do that… we talk about it, but we never DO anything about it. They DON’T talk about it and we sit and watch them BE about it…. Let’s get it together people!

The Florida responds to AIDS media campaign begins.

At the end of 1989, the cumulative United States AIDS reported cases were 115,700 with 9,800 of them being in Florida.

Other Links With Helpful Related Information:

Mosquitos and HIV

http://hivinsite.ucsf.edu/insite?page=ask-05-11-09-02

Find A Testing Site Near You

http://www.hivtest.org/

ACTUP: NY

http://www.actupny.org/

What Is AZT?

http://www.aids.org/factSheets/411-AZT-Retrovir.html

Surgeon General C. Koop

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C._Everett_Koop

Centers for Disease Control

http://www.cdc.gov/

Operation Get Tested

http://www.whospositive.org/

Burroughs Wellcome Fund

http://www.bwfund.org/programs/infectious_disease/pathogenesis_main.html

50 Under 30

http://www.gpac.org/50under30/

Thank you for reading this blog. I appreciate all that come through to read, whether you comment or not. I just ask that you walk away with the desire to pass this blog on to a friend, get tested, do some research on your own, find your voice in this matter, there is no reason that the senseless spread of this virus can't be stopped. Again, thank you - the face to erase the stigma.... miss empowe[red].